Date #1 with Aaron....

So, Aaron and I talked for a few weeks, and because his family was in town the weekend that I was going to be in Chicago, he suggested that we meet not until 10pm, for drinks.

Though it's normally later than I start my night, it was sweet that he wanted to meet me, even though he obviously had other family obligations.

From his pictures, he seemed cute. From FaceTime and his texts, he seemed sweet. Like a nice guy. A few years younger, and 10 inches taller.

At 7:30, he texts and asks if we can move the date to 9, because dinner ended earlier than he expected. Score! I was anxious to meet him, and now we had more time together, since we both said that we would probably be ready to wrap things up around midnight.

We hug. He tells me I look great. We order drinks, he pays. We talk. And laugh. And talk. And move to a quieter area. And talk. And drink.

And the whole time, I'm thinking "I really hope he kisses me. He's cute."

It's 2 hours of talking, and he mentioned that he generally doesn't kiss on the first date. He reads the situation, but it's not a given. So I go downstairs to the bathroom, and from there, text "I know you don't always kiss on the first date, but if you kissed me, that'd be pretty sweet" ..... I wasn't sure if it sent though, because I was downstairs.

So I get back to the table, and he goes "I think we need to pump the brakes on this. I think we can be support for each other, but I'm not sure we want the same things, so it might not be wise to go down a romantic path"

Or something to that effect.
I stared. Shut down. Rubbed my hands on my face.

Pump the brakes? PUMP THE BRAKES? ON WHAT? DRINKS? All we were doing was talking and drinking....... I texted him....but all I asked was for a kiss. What the HELL?!?

So I tell him that I'm not really sure what I'm looking for, but I'm pretty sure that the first few guys I date after husband #1 will not be husband #2, and that I'm casting a wide net and keeping it casual.

He said that maybe he misunderstood. I said all I was hoping was that he kissed me tonight. He apologized. I said "then fucking come here and kiss me."

He obliged. And it was nice.

And we went back to my friend's place (she was not that happy, but is a good friend, and hopefully a little gift will be adequate damage control), and all of a sudden, we were naked in bed together. I told him I wouldn't sleep with him, and I didn't.

He told me my "tits are spectacular" and as we laid in bed, naked bodies next to each other, legs intertwined, he tells me that I'm amazing.

I say thanks, but .....MIXED MESSAGES MUCH? I wish I had asked him what prompted him to say that, but now I fear it's too late.

He said he had a great time, and to be honest, so did I....minus that one awkward blip/misunderstanding. I told him I was nervous about being naked with another man, who wasn't husband #1, but .....it surprised me with Aaron. It felt comfortable. Nice. .... and kinda hot.

But we're keeping things casual and might not be in the same city again for a month or so..... hope to have an update then...

A new man, let's call him Aaron

After things have kind of cooled off with Ryan, I started talking to a new guy, who we'll call Aaron.

Aaron and I talked online for a bit, then through texts, and when he didn't respond to one of my texts for hours, he called me.

We chatted for 20 minutes, and it was in this conversation that I told him of my widowness. And that I found a story about how he lost his brother less than a year ago.

So we have this instant connection. And I'm waiting to see if we have more of a connection than that, but so far it's sweet.

And we have a date in Chicago in a little bit, and I'm hoping it goes well. He is a little younger, but already seems more mature than both Scott and Ryan.

Going out with Ryan...thinking about Scott

It still feels a little weird to be thinking about/talking to two different men, neither of whom are husband#1....but my friends are encouraging me to cast a wide net. To play the field. To have a little fun.

Even though I had the most fun with husband #1, I think they're right. I shouldn't get too into any one man at this point. It's unlikely that the first or second guy I date or hook up with will become husband #2. Not impossible, but unlikely.

So I'm seeing Ryan, who is really nice. Who texts with me all the time. Who told me he likes me......but I can't help but think about how sexy Scott was in the video I saw of him lecturing...to an empty room.

Scott and I decided to put in pin in whatever we were developing since we aren't going to be in the same place for several weeks yet. I kind of get it.....it is really just a fantasy right now, even if we did FaceTime....but in the meantime, it's nice to have Ryan as a distraction.

And I may have bought a sexy new bra and panties to have in my back pocket...just in case.....

My foray into the (online) dating world.

About a month after husband #1 died, I put up pictures on two online dating sites. We'll call them OkeeDokee and HeyDate. I only put up pictures, no words, because I didn't know what words to put.

Do I put "widowed" or "single" as my status? Do I open with "I haven't done this in a long time, but I promise I'm pretty normal" .... or tell these strangers a little bit about my story...or just let them reach out and hope they appreciate me for my humor, wit, curiosity....and then once they decide they like me enough, drop this bomb on them?

I didn't know the answers so I just put a few pictures up. And browsed both sites to see what was out there.

At first, no pictures or profiles excited me at all. In fact, they sort of depressed me. I was married to an extremely bright, funny, motivated, manly doctor, and these men paled in comparison.

And then some time passed, and I became more bold.

And someone sent me a "flirt" on HeyDate. And he seemed cute enough. Very different looking than husband #1. Scott looked different in every one of his pictures, but in most of them he had facial hair, which husband #1 never had.

Scott had a slightly receding hairline, while husband #1 did not.

Still, Scott and I had some similarities, a few mutual friends, and he seemed cute enough. We exchanged messages on HeyDate for a week, when he gives me his number, to take it offline, as they say.

<<Is this a thing? Do people just give their numbers to strangers? Apparently>>

So after spending a day of looking at apartments in Chicago (the city I decided to move to, after being left alone in a city where I had no family), I texted him, deflated, that I hadn't really found anything that I thought would work for me.

And thus begun an 8 hour texting session, intertwined with at least three drinks, as I hit the town in Chicago. He tells me his dad is a doctor, with the same first initial of his last name as mine (and my late husband's). He tells me the second letter of his last name, and it's also the same. Now I'm getting nervous. I tell him I don't want to tell him my last name. He says this is questionable, but I tell him it's because I don't want him to Google me.

Not helping my case here, I know. I explain that when he googles me, husband #1's obituary comes up, and I thought that after knowing that, he might not want to talk to me anymore.

Turns out I was wrong. Weeks later, he is still talking to me. We talk about what's going on with work, and both of our impending moves to Chicago, and what types of places we might want to go to.

In one of our texts, he says "Quite frankly I know in my head it's silly to be getting involved with someone in your position, but I am excited by you. You are sexy, dynamic, strong, intelligent and quite interesting....I want to be with someone who excites me"

Scott started to excite me too. Even as he talked about writing his boring law articles and reading his boring research, I found myself hanging onto the elusive ellipses that indicated a new thought was coming.

Scott gave me the courage to add words to my profiles. So I wouldn't put "widowed" - it's a lot to handle, and might pull me out of searches because most men my age would only expect someone 50+ to have that box checked.

And I started browsing OkeeDokee and sent another lawyer a message about Curb Your Enthusiasm, since we're both fans.

And that's how Ryan and I started talking......