I met up with Scott....

After talking to Scott for weeks and weeks, he moved to Chicago during a weekend that I could get there...... I was waffling between caring whether or not we met...there have been a few flags, and I don't think he will be husband #2, but I sort of left the ball in his court.

Initially, weeks and weeks ago, we had said we were going to do drinks, but as the date approached, he said that drinks were too intimate. He suggested lunch or coffee.....and I ended up suggesting a Saturday afternoon walk, since he decided to keep the Sabbath and I wasn't going to be in town on Sunday.

We met....and walked....and talked without a pause for 45 minutes..which is all the time we had, because I had something else planned.


I wasn't sure that I'd like him in person. He's smaller than husband #1 was. But I might like him a little bit. I won't be able to see him for a few weeks yet.....so we'll see if he wants to see me.

Talking to Scott again...

So it's been weeks since Scott and I started talking, and things got heated, and then simmered down. And now we're just 2 weeks away from actually going out.

We recently FaceTimed, and I still think he's cute. And his phone battery died just as I unzipped my dress......but he got it charged up enough, and I might have showed him my boobs.

And I don't know if I regret that. There are already some flags as to why I think he might not be husband #2, but I do sort of want to climb on top of him, and I want to know if it'll be as good as it is in my head/in my dreams.

I feel like at almost 4 months into this widowhood, I might be about ready to have sex. With someone who is gentle with my heart. And maybe a little rough with some other parts.

Scott isn't sure I'm emotionally ready for what he's looking for, but I told him I don't think I'll know until I'm in it. And that I know what it is to sustain an exciting relationship...so there's that.

I asked him not to write me off yet. But through texts, he made some comment about that I was being nasty to him.

I didn't like that, because I don't think I was being. He's kind of emotional, and I think in the end, I need someone a little more mellow. Just like husband #1 was.

Date #1 with Aaron....

So, Aaron and I talked for a few weeks, and because his family was in town the weekend that I was going to be in Chicago, he suggested that we meet not until 10pm, for drinks.

Though it's normally later than I start my night, it was sweet that he wanted to meet me, even though he obviously had other family obligations.

From his pictures, he seemed cute. From FaceTime and his texts, he seemed sweet. Like a nice guy. A few years younger, and 10 inches taller.

At 7:30, he texts and asks if we can move the date to 9, because dinner ended earlier than he expected. Score! I was anxious to meet him, and now we had more time together, since we both said that we would probably be ready to wrap things up around midnight.

We hug. He tells me I look great. We order drinks, he pays. We talk. And laugh. And talk. And move to a quieter area. And talk. And drink.

And the whole time, I'm thinking "I really hope he kisses me. He's cute."

It's 2 hours of talking, and he mentioned that he generally doesn't kiss on the first date. He reads the situation, but it's not a given. So I go downstairs to the bathroom, and from there, text "I know you don't always kiss on the first date, but if you kissed me, that'd be pretty sweet" ..... I wasn't sure if it sent though, because I was downstairs.

So I get back to the table, and he goes "I think we need to pump the brakes on this. I think we can be support for each other, but I'm not sure we want the same things, so it might not be wise to go down a romantic path"

Or something to that effect.
I stared. Shut down. Rubbed my hands on my face.

Pump the brakes? PUMP THE BRAKES? ON WHAT? DRINKS? All we were doing was talking and drinking....... I texted him....but all I asked was for a kiss. What the HELL?!?

So I tell him that I'm not really sure what I'm looking for, but I'm pretty sure that the first few guys I date after husband #1 will not be husband #2, and that I'm casting a wide net and keeping it casual.

He said that maybe he misunderstood. I said all I was hoping was that he kissed me tonight. He apologized. I said "then fucking come here and kiss me."

He obliged. And it was nice.

And we went back to my friend's place (she was not that happy, but is a good friend, and hopefully a little gift will be adequate damage control), and all of a sudden, we were naked in bed together. I told him I wouldn't sleep with him, and I didn't.

He told me my "tits are spectacular" and as we laid in bed, naked bodies next to each other, legs intertwined, he tells me that I'm amazing.

I say thanks, but .....MIXED MESSAGES MUCH? I wish I had asked him what prompted him to say that, but now I fear it's too late.

He said he had a great time, and to be honest, so did I....minus that one awkward blip/misunderstanding. I told him I was nervous about being naked with another man, who wasn't husband #1, but .....it surprised me with Aaron. It felt comfortable. Nice. .... and kinda hot.

But we're keeping things casual and might not be in the same city again for a month or so..... hope to have an update then...

Sexting with Scott - part 1

Not long ago, both Scott and I had work commitments, and we both had consumed a few drinks....it started in a somewhat innocent text flirtation, that ended in a full-on sexting session, that I thought I'd share here.

It was only after I shared it with my friends that they informed me he was probably getting himself off while writing, especially, since I was pretty unresponsive. I didn't really know that men do that. I'm pretty sure that husband #1 never did that.... how do you even text while holding your shlong? Despite me not really understanding the logistics, I think they're probably right....

Instead of using my name, whenever he says it, I'll refer to myself as Wanting Widow.
Without further ado...

-Ugh Scott, I'm just the right about of tipsy that if we lived in the same city right now...

- Me too, Wanting Widow
- Fuck

-Please
-one day

-And I do admire your cleavage. You also have a really shapely face, when you're not SCOWLING

-I'm not scowling, I'm trying to be sexy. I guess it comes more naturally to some

-sexy ->nipples
- or a cobalt blue suit in my case

- not sure if we're there yet, but if they made an appearance in person, what might you do to them?

-that's a very good question, Wanting Widow, I have a few crude thoughts that I'll keep to myself.

-Why keep them to yourself?

-Because they are crude. And rude.

-I'm a big girl. I think I can handle it.

-And I'm a dude.

-And you rhyme. Some of the time.

-You are a little girl.

-With big boobs. That happen to have nipples on them.

-I think you might even be described as "tossable"

-What does that mean? You can throw me away? :-(

-What a sad thought! No! Like, bounce you on my...lap. Flip you over.. For a...

-Keep talking

-No no. Not a crude dude. Keep those thoughts to myself.

-But I don't know how it ends. I don't understand tossable....

My foray into the (online) dating world.

About a month after husband #1 died, I put up pictures on two online dating sites. We'll call them OkeeDokee and HeyDate. I only put up pictures, no words, because I didn't know what words to put.

Do I put "widowed" or "single" as my status? Do I open with "I haven't done this in a long time, but I promise I'm pretty normal" .... or tell these strangers a little bit about my story...or just let them reach out and hope they appreciate me for my humor, wit, curiosity....and then once they decide they like me enough, drop this bomb on them?

I didn't know the answers so I just put a few pictures up. And browsed both sites to see what was out there.

At first, no pictures or profiles excited me at all. In fact, they sort of depressed me. I was married to an extremely bright, funny, motivated, manly doctor, and these men paled in comparison.

And then some time passed, and I became more bold.

And someone sent me a "flirt" on HeyDate. And he seemed cute enough. Very different looking than husband #1. Scott looked different in every one of his pictures, but in most of them he had facial hair, which husband #1 never had.

Scott had a slightly receding hairline, while husband #1 did not.

Still, Scott and I had some similarities, a few mutual friends, and he seemed cute enough. We exchanged messages on HeyDate for a week, when he gives me his number, to take it offline, as they say.

<<Is this a thing? Do people just give their numbers to strangers? Apparently>>

So after spending a day of looking at apartments in Chicago (the city I decided to move to, after being left alone in a city where I had no family), I texted him, deflated, that I hadn't really found anything that I thought would work for me.

And thus begun an 8 hour texting session, intertwined with at least three drinks, as I hit the town in Chicago. He tells me his dad is a doctor, with the same first initial of his last name as mine (and my late husband's). He tells me the second letter of his last name, and it's also the same. Now I'm getting nervous. I tell him I don't want to tell him my last name. He says this is questionable, but I tell him it's because I don't want him to Google me.

Not helping my case here, I know. I explain that when he googles me, husband #1's obituary comes up, and I thought that after knowing that, he might not want to talk to me anymore.

Turns out I was wrong. Weeks later, he is still talking to me. We talk about what's going on with work, and both of our impending moves to Chicago, and what types of places we might want to go to.

In one of our texts, he says "Quite frankly I know in my head it's silly to be getting involved with someone in your position, but I am excited by you. You are sexy, dynamic, strong, intelligent and quite interesting....I want to be with someone who excites me"

Scott started to excite me too. Even as he talked about writing his boring law articles and reading his boring research, I found myself hanging onto the elusive ellipses that indicated a new thought was coming.

Scott gave me the courage to add words to my profiles. So I wouldn't put "widowed" - it's a lot to handle, and might pull me out of searches because most men my age would only expect someone 50+ to have that box checked.

And I started browsing OkeeDokee and sent another lawyer a message about Curb Your Enthusiasm, since we're both fans.

And that's how Ryan and I started talking......