I met up with Scott....

After talking to Scott for weeks and weeks, he moved to Chicago during a weekend that I could get there...... I was waffling between caring whether or not we met...there have been a few flags, and I don't think he will be husband #2, but I sort of left the ball in his court.

Initially, weeks and weeks ago, we had said we were going to do drinks, but as the date approached, he said that drinks were too intimate. He suggested lunch or coffee.....and I ended up suggesting a Saturday afternoon walk, since he decided to keep the Sabbath and I wasn't going to be in town on Sunday.

We met....and walked....and talked without a pause for 45 minutes..which is all the time we had, because I had something else planned.


I wasn't sure that I'd like him in person. He's smaller than husband #1 was. But I might like him a little bit. I won't be able to see him for a few weeks yet.....so we'll see if he wants to see me.

First date with Adam

Met up with Adam for sushi in the Chicago suburbs. First impression.....not altogether unattractive, kinda nerdy, but sweet.

We talked for a solid hour, and it was nice. He was accessible in spite of his chemistry genius. He was a decent story teller. I'm not sure I laughed hard, but I smiled.

At the end of the date, I felt like I should hug him, but I didn't really want to. Not that hugging is a big deal, but throughout the date/meal, there was just not a part of me that wanted to see him naked. Or get naked with him. Or felt confident that he would know what to do with my naked body.

And he's moving in September, and I won't even be back in Illinois for a few weeks yet....so what's the point really? I guess if we met and I wanted to climb on top of him, then I would have tried to set something up, so that I could climb on top of him in a few weeks, but I don't.

He sent me a text two days after our date "Good morning! Hope today is better than yesterday. Any chance you'd be interested in a second date?"

So sweet. It really did melt my heart a little bit, and I hope I let him down gently while still keeping the door open for a friendship once I move down there. I said that I didn't think he is quite what I'm looking for. That I want to find a partner who is ready to start a family in the next year or so (or within a year of starting a romantic partnership). He admitted he's not in that position..

Of course, this all is such a load of shit. That I'm going to have to go through for who knows how long. But hopefully not for too long.

And then there were drinks.... and Scott and Adam

So I went to a fancy dinner with some girlfriends, where two of has had a drink...and then went out for 5 more drinks.

And even though I kind of cut Scott loose, and deleted his number, I decided to text him a little bit. And somehow and for some reason he mentioned titty fucking again.

So there's that. I feel like he is definitely not husband #2 material, but I can't decide if it's worth it to get some free drinks or dinner from him. I mean, a girl's gotta eat and drink.

It's still probably a month till I relocate to Chicago, but before then, I'll probably be there at least 4 times, including pretty soon.

Once Aaron freaked out/revealed how immature he is, I decided I need to move on to the next man, and started talking to Adam, a chemistry PhD candidate at a school in the greater Chicago area. We know someone in common. He's not exactly my physical type, but in some pictures he seems not unattractive.

And since I had a lot to drink over the weekend, I texted him a lot and I'm pretty sure said some borderline inappropriate things, but some things I learned about him throughout the drunken messages:

- he said he's dated a few girls, even a classmate, but nothing that's lasted more than a few weeks. He hadn't done much dating until a few years ago, it's been a mix of interesting and frustrating.
- he has a younger brother who is also getting is phd
- he said he thinks i'm cute and he likes my energy
- he said he hasn't made out since last june or july, and that it's been kinda dry for a while --- i made a joke about how it's not dry in the wet lab (where he spends a lot of time doing science stuff, i imagine)
- he said he likes a girl who knows her way around a pun. I said I know my way around a lot of things that start with the letter p ...... like pyramids and pentagons and punctuation
- he said i seem pretty clever
- he said he likes how bold/confident/comfortable i am. it's refreshing and sweet

also he is independent.
and moving in september, but we're going out after i have an interview in the chicago area for dinner. so we'll see how that goes.

The end of Aaron.... and maybe a pause from men for a bit

I thought things with Aaron were going fine.

We talked for weeks, we had what seemed like a great first date. And great physical chemistry.

And we made plans for date number 2.

And then he calls me and says "I don't think it's an emotional fit. I don't think you should come and see me this weekend. I'm walking away"

Very little explanation. He admits I'm very sexy, but doesn't think we're as compatible as apparently I thought we were...

And that despite him saying that he wants to keep it casual, he said that he's actually not cut out for casual.

So.......yeah. This person, who lost his brother last year, apparently doesn't have the emotional sensitivity to keep seeing me.

Actually, I think he's seeing someone else that he started seeing before me, but he wouldn't admit to that, which I find annoying.

Every rejection, or every hurdle is going to re-open the wound of missing husband #1. Of not believing that I have to go through this shit, after already having gone through this shit and finding the most amazing man for me, ever.

That this Aaron guy didn't even compare to.

<<sigh>>

I guess there are other things I need to be focusing on anyway, but it was a pleasant enough distraction for the time being.

...

Date #1 with Aaron....

So, Aaron and I talked for a few weeks, and because his family was in town the weekend that I was going to be in Chicago, he suggested that we meet not until 10pm, for drinks.

Though it's normally later than I start my night, it was sweet that he wanted to meet me, even though he obviously had other family obligations.

From his pictures, he seemed cute. From FaceTime and his texts, he seemed sweet. Like a nice guy. A few years younger, and 10 inches taller.

At 7:30, he texts and asks if we can move the date to 9, because dinner ended earlier than he expected. Score! I was anxious to meet him, and now we had more time together, since we both said that we would probably be ready to wrap things up around midnight.

We hug. He tells me I look great. We order drinks, he pays. We talk. And laugh. And talk. And move to a quieter area. And talk. And drink.

And the whole time, I'm thinking "I really hope he kisses me. He's cute."

It's 2 hours of talking, and he mentioned that he generally doesn't kiss on the first date. He reads the situation, but it's not a given. So I go downstairs to the bathroom, and from there, text "I know you don't always kiss on the first date, but if you kissed me, that'd be pretty sweet" ..... I wasn't sure if it sent though, because I was downstairs.

So I get back to the table, and he goes "I think we need to pump the brakes on this. I think we can be support for each other, but I'm not sure we want the same things, so it might not be wise to go down a romantic path"

Or something to that effect.
I stared. Shut down. Rubbed my hands on my face.

Pump the brakes? PUMP THE BRAKES? ON WHAT? DRINKS? All we were doing was talking and drinking....... I texted him....but all I asked was for a kiss. What the HELL?!?

So I tell him that I'm not really sure what I'm looking for, but I'm pretty sure that the first few guys I date after husband #1 will not be husband #2, and that I'm casting a wide net and keeping it casual.

He said that maybe he misunderstood. I said all I was hoping was that he kissed me tonight. He apologized. I said "then fucking come here and kiss me."

He obliged. And it was nice.

And we went back to my friend's place (she was not that happy, but is a good friend, and hopefully a little gift will be adequate damage control), and all of a sudden, we were naked in bed together. I told him I wouldn't sleep with him, and I didn't.

He told me my "tits are spectacular" and as we laid in bed, naked bodies next to each other, legs intertwined, he tells me that I'm amazing.

I say thanks, but .....MIXED MESSAGES MUCH? I wish I had asked him what prompted him to say that, but now I fear it's too late.

He said he had a great time, and to be honest, so did I....minus that one awkward blip/misunderstanding. I told him I was nervous about being naked with another man, who wasn't husband #1, but .....it surprised me with Aaron. It felt comfortable. Nice. .... and kinda hot.

But we're keeping things casual and might not be in the same city again for a month or so..... hope to have an update then...

My first first date in 9 years

Ryan and I exchanged long messages on OkeeDokee online dating site, and soon those long messages turned into long emails, and dozens of texts throughout the work day.

He is also a lawyer, but already lives in Chicago, and after having enough to talk about with each other for weeks, I asked if he wanted to grab drinks.

He also asked at some point how I ended up in the city I currently live, and what was bringing me to Chicago. I told him it was wrapped up in a sad story, but that I would share it with him if he wanted. Through mutual friends, he was able to figure it out, and apologized...both for finding out, and for the fact that this was my story...and he also said this was new for him. But he decided to keep talking to me. Score 2 for men in their 20s/30s not being scared off by the baggage that automatically comes with a 20something year old widow.

So Ryan and I talk a lot about the possibility of making out. He assures me that his experience with the French horn makes him a very good kisser. I tell him husband #1 played an instrument too. Maybe I shouldn't have. And maybe I also shouldn't have said that I miss having sex with husband #1. But I did.

Ryan and I decide to meet for drinks at a place near Lincoln Square, but I decide to bring two girlfriends. I tell him beforehand, so he doesn't feel ambushed, but I also tell him that it's what I need. That this is my first first "date" in 9 years, and I don't know what to do. How to be. What to say....

So my girlfriends come, and it's the three girls and Ryan. And he talks to them almost more than he talks to me. He tells us a story about some unfortunate boss he had. And after they text me that they think he's nice, and after drink number 2.5 for me, they excuse themselves to go on a quest for pizza. Or chocolate. I don't really remember. I don't really care.

So here we are, Ryan and I sitting at a table. His sweat from riding his bike to the bar has dried. He's not exactly my type physically, but I'm getting more drunk by the minute, and he keeps touching my arm. My hand. My shoulder. It's obvious this "making out" that we've been talking about might happen soon.

I take another sip. "I don't know what I'm doing. My life is so complicated"
He moves his chair closer, and grazes my hand.
"It's not so complicated. It's okay"
He leans in.

We kiss for a minute.

.....

<<WHAT AM I DOING. KISSING A MAN OTHER THAN HUSBAND #1. WHAT AM I DOING KISSING A MAN AT A TABLE IN A BAR??!!>>

.....
I finish my second gin & tonic and order another.
He told me about a time he ingested pot on a trip to India, and I asked him to tell me his story, and then I shared with him the time that I made pot brownies in college. (I did it wrong. Got super high. Threw up. A lot.)
......

We kiss some more.
.....
It's midnight and the stupid Chicago ordinance that outdoor 'beer garden' spaces close goes into effect. We have to go back downstairs. We finish our drinks. We get ready to go on a quest for pizza. <<Need food to avoid hangover tomorrow>>

On our way out, we wander back upstairs, which is closed to the public, and yet there are people up there. The door is closed, so there's this sort of secluded alcove at the top of the stairwell. We make out some more......and then I tell him that I want to show him my boobs.

I don't know why.
I don't know why I want to show him. Or why I chose to do this. I was pretty drunk, but Ryan had mentioned that he is a boob man. And I thought he'd appreciate my 36Ds, and I wanted to have them appreciated. It'd been months since they'd been appreciated in person.

"Wow. those are pretty fantastic."

"Thanks, Ryan. I think so too. Do what you will with them."
So we're making out in this not really private alcove at the top of the stairwell in this bar, when he moves his mouth to my breasts and puts a nipple in his mouth. And nibbles just a little bit.

We make out a little more. I put the boobs away. And we go look for pizza.
...
It's Chicago, so we find pizza in approximately 3 minutes. He buys (which he totally doesn't have to, but I appreciate it).

We finish our pizza, and he shows me where the single person bathroom is on the side of the restaurant that's closed. I bring him in the bathroom with me. And we make out some more. And my dress somehow comes down, again. And his mouth finds both of my nipples this time.
"a little more gentle" I suggest.

My hand was able to tell that he was enjoying himself very much. I bent over as I let him have his way with my ta-tas.

We kiss some more. I apologize for maybe giving him blue balls, but I also don't really care. I don't think I'm being a tease, or am leading him on, that's just all I was ready for. And he seems like a nice enough guy that he understands.

He held my hand while I waited for my Uber.

<<My first first date in 9 years. Overall, a success, I'd say...">>