Not everyone is okay with dating a widow...

I messaged a guy, he seemed interested in grabbing a drink, until I told him my story.

To which he responded with this:

"My sincere condolences.

I hate sounding insensitive, but that revelation changes my outlook. I don't think I am the person you need, and I know you are not the person I am looking for. Hope everything works out for you.

Best,

Erick"

No doubt, I'm not for everyone, but it still stings a little. I'm trying to cast a wide net, because at the core of myself, I don't want to be alone.

I wish I could have husband#1 back. I know he didn't mean to leave me. But he did. I want someone else to understand my jokes. To think I'm cute. To want to procreate with me.

It's okay that it's not Erick.

Talking to Scott again...

So it's been weeks since Scott and I started talking, and things got heated, and then simmered down. And now we're just 2 weeks away from actually going out.

We recently FaceTimed, and I still think he's cute. And his phone battery died just as I unzipped my dress......but he got it charged up enough, and I might have showed him my boobs.

And I don't know if I regret that. There are already some flags as to why I think he might not be husband #2, but I do sort of want to climb on top of him, and I want to know if it'll be as good as it is in my head/in my dreams.

I feel like at almost 4 months into this widowhood, I might be about ready to have sex. With someone who is gentle with my heart. And maybe a little rough with some other parts.

Scott isn't sure I'm emotionally ready for what he's looking for, but I told him I don't think I'll know until I'm in it. And that I know what it is to sustain an exciting relationship...so there's that.

I asked him not to write me off yet. But through texts, he made some comment about that I was being nasty to him.

I didn't like that, because I don't think I was being. He's kind of emotional, and I think in the end, I need someone a little more mellow. Just like husband #1 was.

Date #1 with Aaron....

So, Aaron and I talked for a few weeks, and because his family was in town the weekend that I was going to be in Chicago, he suggested that we meet not until 10pm, for drinks.

Though it's normally later than I start my night, it was sweet that he wanted to meet me, even though he obviously had other family obligations.

From his pictures, he seemed cute. From FaceTime and his texts, he seemed sweet. Like a nice guy. A few years younger, and 10 inches taller.

At 7:30, he texts and asks if we can move the date to 9, because dinner ended earlier than he expected. Score! I was anxious to meet him, and now we had more time together, since we both said that we would probably be ready to wrap things up around midnight.

We hug. He tells me I look great. We order drinks, he pays. We talk. And laugh. And talk. And move to a quieter area. And talk. And drink.

And the whole time, I'm thinking "I really hope he kisses me. He's cute."

It's 2 hours of talking, and he mentioned that he generally doesn't kiss on the first date. He reads the situation, but it's not a given. So I go downstairs to the bathroom, and from there, text "I know you don't always kiss on the first date, but if you kissed me, that'd be pretty sweet" ..... I wasn't sure if it sent though, because I was downstairs.

So I get back to the table, and he goes "I think we need to pump the brakes on this. I think we can be support for each other, but I'm not sure we want the same things, so it might not be wise to go down a romantic path"

Or something to that effect.
I stared. Shut down. Rubbed my hands on my face.

Pump the brakes? PUMP THE BRAKES? ON WHAT? DRINKS? All we were doing was talking and drinking....... I texted him....but all I asked was for a kiss. What the HELL?!?

So I tell him that I'm not really sure what I'm looking for, but I'm pretty sure that the first few guys I date after husband #1 will not be husband #2, and that I'm casting a wide net and keeping it casual.

He said that maybe he misunderstood. I said all I was hoping was that he kissed me tonight. He apologized. I said "then fucking come here and kiss me."

He obliged. And it was nice.

And we went back to my friend's place (she was not that happy, but is a good friend, and hopefully a little gift will be adequate damage control), and all of a sudden, we were naked in bed together. I told him I wouldn't sleep with him, and I didn't.

He told me my "tits are spectacular" and as we laid in bed, naked bodies next to each other, legs intertwined, he tells me that I'm amazing.

I say thanks, but .....MIXED MESSAGES MUCH? I wish I had asked him what prompted him to say that, but now I fear it's too late.

He said he had a great time, and to be honest, so did I....minus that one awkward blip/misunderstanding. I told him I was nervous about being naked with another man, who wasn't husband #1, but .....it surprised me with Aaron. It felt comfortable. Nice. .... and kinda hot.

But we're keeping things casual and might not be in the same city again for a month or so..... hope to have an update then...

A new man, let's call him Aaron

After things have kind of cooled off with Ryan, I started talking to a new guy, who we'll call Aaron.

Aaron and I talked online for a bit, then through texts, and when he didn't respond to one of my texts for hours, he called me.

We chatted for 20 minutes, and it was in this conversation that I told him of my widowness. And that I found a story about how he lost his brother less than a year ago.

So we have this instant connection. And I'm waiting to see if we have more of a connection than that, but so far it's sweet.

And we have a date in Chicago in a little bit, and I'm hoping it goes well. He is a little younger, but already seems more mature than both Scott and Ryan.