I met up with Scott....

After talking to Scott for weeks and weeks, he moved to Chicago during a weekend that I could get there...... I was waffling between caring whether or not we met...there have been a few flags, and I don't think he will be husband #2, but I sort of left the ball in his court.

Initially, weeks and weeks ago, we had said we were going to do drinks, but as the date approached, he said that drinks were too intimate. He suggested lunch or coffee.....and I ended up suggesting a Saturday afternoon walk, since he decided to keep the Sabbath and I wasn't going to be in town on Sunday.

We met....and walked....and talked without a pause for 45 minutes..which is all the time we had, because I had something else planned.


I wasn't sure that I'd like him in person. He's smaller than husband #1 was. But I might like him a little bit. I won't be able to see him for a few weeks yet.....so we'll see if he wants to see me.

First date with Adam

Met up with Adam for sushi in the Chicago suburbs. First impression.....not altogether unattractive, kinda nerdy, but sweet.

We talked for a solid hour, and it was nice. He was accessible in spite of his chemistry genius. He was a decent story teller. I'm not sure I laughed hard, but I smiled.

At the end of the date, I felt like I should hug him, but I didn't really want to. Not that hugging is a big deal, but throughout the date/meal, there was just not a part of me that wanted to see him naked. Or get naked with him. Or felt confident that he would know what to do with my naked body.

And he's moving in September, and I won't even be back in Illinois for a few weeks yet....so what's the point really? I guess if we met and I wanted to climb on top of him, then I would have tried to set something up, so that I could climb on top of him in a few weeks, but I don't.

He sent me a text two days after our date "Good morning! Hope today is better than yesterday. Any chance you'd be interested in a second date?"

So sweet. It really did melt my heart a little bit, and I hope I let him down gently while still keeping the door open for a friendship once I move down there. I said that I didn't think he is quite what I'm looking for. That I want to find a partner who is ready to start a family in the next year or so (or within a year of starting a romantic partnership). He admitted he's not in that position..

Of course, this all is such a load of shit. That I'm going to have to go through for who knows how long. But hopefully not for too long.

And then there were drinks.... and Scott and Adam

So I went to a fancy dinner with some girlfriends, where two of has had a drink...and then went out for 5 more drinks.

And even though I kind of cut Scott loose, and deleted his number, I decided to text him a little bit. And somehow and for some reason he mentioned titty fucking again.

So there's that. I feel like he is definitely not husband #2 material, but I can't decide if it's worth it to get some free drinks or dinner from him. I mean, a girl's gotta eat and drink.

It's still probably a month till I relocate to Chicago, but before then, I'll probably be there at least 4 times, including pretty soon.

Once Aaron freaked out/revealed how immature he is, I decided I need to move on to the next man, and started talking to Adam, a chemistry PhD candidate at a school in the greater Chicago area. We know someone in common. He's not exactly my physical type, but in some pictures he seems not unattractive.

And since I had a lot to drink over the weekend, I texted him a lot and I'm pretty sure said some borderline inappropriate things, but some things I learned about him throughout the drunken messages:

- he said he's dated a few girls, even a classmate, but nothing that's lasted more than a few weeks. He hadn't done much dating until a few years ago, it's been a mix of interesting and frustrating.
- he has a younger brother who is also getting is phd
- he said he thinks i'm cute and he likes my energy
- he said he hasn't made out since last june or july, and that it's been kinda dry for a while --- i made a joke about how it's not dry in the wet lab (where he spends a lot of time doing science stuff, i imagine)
- he said he likes a girl who knows her way around a pun. I said I know my way around a lot of things that start with the letter p ...... like pyramids and pentagons and punctuation
- he said i seem pretty clever
- he said he likes how bold/confident/comfortable i am. it's refreshing and sweet

also he is independent.
and moving in september, but we're going out after i have an interview in the chicago area for dinner. so we'll see how that goes.

The end of Aaron.... and maybe a pause from men for a bit

I thought things with Aaron were going fine.

We talked for weeks, we had what seemed like a great first date. And great physical chemistry.

And we made plans for date number 2.

And then he calls me and says "I don't think it's an emotional fit. I don't think you should come and see me this weekend. I'm walking away"

Very little explanation. He admits I'm very sexy, but doesn't think we're as compatible as apparently I thought we were...

And that despite him saying that he wants to keep it casual, he said that he's actually not cut out for casual.

So.......yeah. This person, who lost his brother last year, apparently doesn't have the emotional sensitivity to keep seeing me.

Actually, I think he's seeing someone else that he started seeing before me, but he wouldn't admit to that, which I find annoying.

Every rejection, or every hurdle is going to re-open the wound of missing husband #1. Of not believing that I have to go through this shit, after already having gone through this shit and finding the most amazing man for me, ever.

That this Aaron guy didn't even compare to.

<<sigh>>

I guess there are other things I need to be focusing on anyway, but it was a pleasant enough distraction for the time being.

...

Not everyone is okay with dating a widow...

I messaged a guy, he seemed interested in grabbing a drink, until I told him my story.

To which he responded with this:

"My sincere condolences.

I hate sounding insensitive, but that revelation changes my outlook. I don't think I am the person you need, and I know you are not the person I am looking for. Hope everything works out for you.

Best,

Erick"

No doubt, I'm not for everyone, but it still stings a little. I'm trying to cast a wide net, because at the core of myself, I don't want to be alone.

I wish I could have husband#1 back. I know he didn't mean to leave me. But he did. I want someone else to understand my jokes. To think I'm cute. To want to procreate with me.

It's okay that it's not Erick.

Talking to Scott again...

So it's been weeks since Scott and I started talking, and things got heated, and then simmered down. And now we're just 2 weeks away from actually going out.

We recently FaceTimed, and I still think he's cute. And his phone battery died just as I unzipped my dress......but he got it charged up enough, and I might have showed him my boobs.

And I don't know if I regret that. There are already some flags as to why I think he might not be husband #2, but I do sort of want to climb on top of him, and I want to know if it'll be as good as it is in my head/in my dreams.

I feel like at almost 4 months into this widowhood, I might be about ready to have sex. With someone who is gentle with my heart. And maybe a little rough with some other parts.

Scott isn't sure I'm emotionally ready for what he's looking for, but I told him I don't think I'll know until I'm in it. And that I know what it is to sustain an exciting relationship...so there's that.

I asked him not to write me off yet. But through texts, he made some comment about that I was being nasty to him.

I didn't like that, because I don't think I was being. He's kind of emotional, and I think in the end, I need someone a little more mellow. Just like husband #1 was.

Date #1 with Aaron....

So, Aaron and I talked for a few weeks, and because his family was in town the weekend that I was going to be in Chicago, he suggested that we meet not until 10pm, for drinks.

Though it's normally later than I start my night, it was sweet that he wanted to meet me, even though he obviously had other family obligations.

From his pictures, he seemed cute. From FaceTime and his texts, he seemed sweet. Like a nice guy. A few years younger, and 10 inches taller.

At 7:30, he texts and asks if we can move the date to 9, because dinner ended earlier than he expected. Score! I was anxious to meet him, and now we had more time together, since we both said that we would probably be ready to wrap things up around midnight.

We hug. He tells me I look great. We order drinks, he pays. We talk. And laugh. And talk. And move to a quieter area. And talk. And drink.

And the whole time, I'm thinking "I really hope he kisses me. He's cute."

It's 2 hours of talking, and he mentioned that he generally doesn't kiss on the first date. He reads the situation, but it's not a given. So I go downstairs to the bathroom, and from there, text "I know you don't always kiss on the first date, but if you kissed me, that'd be pretty sweet" ..... I wasn't sure if it sent though, because I was downstairs.

So I get back to the table, and he goes "I think we need to pump the brakes on this. I think we can be support for each other, but I'm not sure we want the same things, so it might not be wise to go down a romantic path"

Or something to that effect.
I stared. Shut down. Rubbed my hands on my face.

Pump the brakes? PUMP THE BRAKES? ON WHAT? DRINKS? All we were doing was talking and drinking....... I texted him....but all I asked was for a kiss. What the HELL?!?

So I tell him that I'm not really sure what I'm looking for, but I'm pretty sure that the first few guys I date after husband #1 will not be husband #2, and that I'm casting a wide net and keeping it casual.

He said that maybe he misunderstood. I said all I was hoping was that he kissed me tonight. He apologized. I said "then fucking come here and kiss me."

He obliged. And it was nice.

And we went back to my friend's place (she was not that happy, but is a good friend, and hopefully a little gift will be adequate damage control), and all of a sudden, we were naked in bed together. I told him I wouldn't sleep with him, and I didn't.

He told me my "tits are spectacular" and as we laid in bed, naked bodies next to each other, legs intertwined, he tells me that I'm amazing.

I say thanks, but .....MIXED MESSAGES MUCH? I wish I had asked him what prompted him to say that, but now I fear it's too late.

He said he had a great time, and to be honest, so did I....minus that one awkward blip/misunderstanding. I told him I was nervous about being naked with another man, who wasn't husband #1, but .....it surprised me with Aaron. It felt comfortable. Nice. .... and kinda hot.

But we're keeping things casual and might not be in the same city again for a month or so..... hope to have an update then...